I don't know what to make of the world anymore.

The more I learn, the more I'm disgusted.
I was taught to observe human behaviour today,
to study their traits, their personality, their preference, their habits,
perhaps learn their interest and dislikes,
and then study, break it apart and
exploit it for my own use.
Manipulation, the Teacher tactfully called it.

I was, of course, uncertain how to feel at first.
So many emotions raced to take charge of my central thought and behaviour.
So many negative emotions.
Why, why, why?

I think humans are fascinating creatures-
each independently individuals yet collectively gathered as a whole.
But I for one, cannot fully analyze someone without feeling a sense of guilt.
Who am I, a mere mortal, to judge someone else?
Who am I to place a label on someone I merely know on a surface level?

And yet, now I'm taught to slowly learn how to dissect humans and use them for my own benefit.
As much as I realize how this would benefit me in the working place,
this is not how I would want to observe, and socialize with people.
I would not want to give someone a friendly wave and let them think I'm a nice person,
only to be deep down mentally jotting down their overall traits for my future use.

Your world- your world as how you've shown it to me- disgusts me.

"That is why they are all lost souls with wondering minds. That is why they stare far into space and all you see is the faded glint of hope in their eyes."

And so I told her that I was in love with tactile touch and she asked me to explain and so I did.



I recently discovered this about myself- I like the sense of touch.
The delicate, almost non-existent and small, light feeling
of skin against skin.
I like the idea and the slight sensation of
tracing lines, and mostly, perfect individual flaws-
scars, bumps, and marks that don't belong-
that gives you a sense of identity.

I like my the gentle tip of my index finger
tracing delicately, and ever so silently
down, and around which ever way the direction leads.
Also now you know why I like tattoos.
Not all at once, and although intimidating at first,
slowly tracing them somewhat put my mind in a state of peace.
There are oh-so-lovely to trace.
Just like cursive words on a book,
or those fancy monograms that are embossed on a card.

I've watched people trace things before,
and sometimes I wonder why they do it.
Does it give you that sense of calm despite the calamity of the noise in your head?

I like to think it does.

I was talking to Emmil whist this was written, and so if you are reading this- cool benas.

So two high points to note in my Nerd Galactica.
And yes, both had to do with my academic performance.

The first had occurred a week before;
it was a lovely light in my dull, somewhat still mood.
I was happy, I was.
But I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone until they asked.

Truth be told, when I thought about it,
I realized I didn't want to share this joy of mine,
I didn't want it to be out there in the open-
because I didn't want anyone (or anything) ruin it for me.
Most will offer felicitations- but there will be others
who might, and I use might (because I'd like to offer the benefit of the doubt),
say things which I might take to heart
and ruin this small Happy of mine.
And I'd like to keep this Happy. At least for awhile.

How often do I get to feel this way, I ask you?
Again, Austen had told me that happiness is by choice.
But this one was planted into me like a seed,
and I just wanted to dwell in that momentarily successfully achieved sense of elation
for as long as I could.
And it was good.
It was good and nice and made me think of all the nice things.
Yes, there are still some of us who take pride in our academic achievement.
And it was a very nice number to be proud of.

The second high point didn't bring much of an emotion-
I had envisioned myself crying, breaking down etc.
but a positive cry, of course.
But no, there was absolutely nothing.
I was devoid of emotion whatsoever, which was quite...
how should I put it- wasted-
on the occasion that could have resulted in another Happy.

I will just put it simply and say
that I am grateful to the Above,
and that everything is over.

I'm sorry if I've left you puzzled at this so called
'nightmare trip in life' subtly mentioned in my posts ever so often.
I don't see the point in telling it to the world
as it's a lot of work to do on my fingers
for such a small scale who would offer their ears.

I'll share the full story with you if you'd like-
but only if you'll listen.

Take care and I hope you find the weather well.

It's been about three weeks now, I think.
And I breathe movies.

Oh how can I possibly explain this phenomenon without sounding nonsensical?
I've been searching up movies almost the entire time I'm online
and IMDB is currently my best virtual friend.
The only frustrating thing is finding subtitles with perfect timing.



My dearest Eli,
I love you even though you are strange. You are plain but yet so hauntingly beautiful. Your allure captivates me and I love you although you feast on that of which is thicker than water. I love you for your strangeness. I love you for saving me. I love you although you are not a she.

"Not mermaids- nixies."
It's much more sinister, she said simply.

I like to wonder how much I've changed over the span of 2 1/4 years.
The fact that I've transitioned slowly over to a new genre, so to speak, is just completely unconceivable.
Well, perhaps it is conceivable now since it did happen.
But change is amazing to witness.
The entire process, the slow part by part where
a bud becomes a rose, a girl becomes a lady,
a person becomes someone.

I don't know how to describe myself to you, truly I don't.
I am not one who would satisfy by simply stating several adjectives to sum up
the entire complex component that makes me, me.

I remember when I used to be able to say talk like how everyone would
or should we say, socialize, in a very conventional manner
without getting the odd look here and there.
Now that I've become a different person with strange interests
I would say I have somewhat lost my sense of socializing,
or maybe I've simply picked up odd traits that do not mingle well with the generals.
Ah, well one cannot have one's cake and eat it too.

A virtual friend noted that I was 'like an enigma to a mystery'
and that is rather captivating, might I add.

Mysterious things always pull at our curiousity-
just enough to fascinate and delight us too.

And I, for one, will just be content with that.