Long Live Liza
Ten years ago I told Liza I loved her.
That was the first time those three words
escaped my mouth and
I remember how she laughed
as she took my trembling hands in hers
and tenderly kissed my knuckles.
That was the last time I saw her.
Liza was everything and anything in between;
I remember different parts of her
as though they were yesterday.
There was her favourite cherry sorbet in spring
and her excitement on the fourth of July.
Our apartment was stacked with
the endless collection of vinyls she hoarded
and the tubes of watermelon flavoured chapstick
she always misplaced.
Liza was a petite frame
with an uncontainable amount of curiousity-
her naivety complemented her carefree spirit
albeit dangerously, that is.
I remember when she would regale me with
her encounters of friendly strangers on the bus
or once where 'that horrid man ran off with
my purse when I distracted by the delicious smell
wafting from the bakery'.
It was precisely ten minutes past eight
that her brother called to deliver the news.
Liza was always determined to
focus straight ahead
when it came to her future
but sadly forgot about the other directions
when she crossed the road.
I suppose it was rather inappropriate of me
to find humour in the manner of her death
but a little voice told me that
she probably would have laughed too.
It has been awhile since
Liza ever crossed my mind
and I have grown out of
the shell I hid under.
But sometimes I lay in bed
at night and wonder
why I still taste watermelon
when I kiss another.
The Little Bright Light
Once there was a little boy
who shined ever so bright.
He befriended the sun by day
and whispered secrets to the moon at night.
The little boy felt lonely
so he ventured beyond his world.
Deep in the dark, gloomy shadows
he stumbled upon a girl.
At first the boy was hesitant
and unsure of what to say.
Eventually he mustered his courage
and invited her to play
Soon he found something very strange
about the little girl in black-
when he tried to make conversation
she never uttered a word back.
Eventually the boy felt tired
and as he slept late into the night
The girl crept slyly into his heart
and switched off all the lights.
who shined ever so bright.
He befriended the sun by day
and whispered secrets to the moon at night.
The little boy felt lonely
so he ventured beyond his world.
Deep in the dark, gloomy shadows
he stumbled upon a girl.
At first the boy was hesitant
and unsure of what to say.
Eventually he mustered his courage
and invited her to play
Soon he found something very strange
about the little girl in black-
when he tried to make conversation
she never uttered a word back.
Eventually the boy felt tired
and as he slept late into the night
The girl crept slyly into his heart
and switched off all the lights.
To love is to
24 hours in 1 day; January 24.
That was the mnemonic I used to remember your birthday.
Ironically enough,
you cried when you told me
while I was on a strange, jovial high.
The conversation was speckled
with laughter and disappointment yet
I'll honestly tell you that conversation
was the best we've probably had in a while.
You asked me why I wasn't upset or angry.
I told you I probably
suffered from 'delayed reaction syndrome'
and I'll probably cry later
when everything hits me.
The first time I cried
was when I examined my body
and realized your love bite was no longer there.
I suppose that was when
it truly hit me I had lost you.
I cried in several intervals-
horrid, interrupted, breaks of unfulfilled cries.
It was at two in the morn',
then five when I had to pee,
ten when I thought of you again
and one in the afternoon
when I told myself to just let go.
As I sat and cried,
I thought of how pathetic I looked
and laughed to myself
as I imagined telling you this.
Then I stopped laughing.
I turned to the pianoforte for solace,
thinking perhaps the dancing keys
would soothe me.
I only managed four chords
before breaking down.
I told myself out loud to stop crying.
Eventually, I just let myself
wallow and cry
because I knew I needed to to heal.
I asked you if you were happy
and after the second ask,
you said you were.
You asked me in frustration
why I didn't hate you.
I'm still trying
to figure that out myself.
It amazes me on how
I harbour no negative feelings
towards you.
I hope it stays this way.
You asked 'Are you okay?'
and then you answered
'No, of course
you're not okay,
what a stupid question'
and then you said
'I'm so sorry' and
ended it with my name.
I replied 'It's alright'
and then you said
'No, it isn't'
and the cycle repeated itself.
You said I would have more time
to focus on my assignments now
and that I wouldn't have to look
at the awful stickers that
accompanied your messages.
Somehow, it didn't make me feel any better.
I told you to take care of her,
to be chivalric and make sure
she walked on the inside of the road
and to hold her hand for reassurance-
just like you used to do for me.
As I got out of the car,
I wished you a happy life.
But I genuinely mean it,
I do.
-Two days later; January 28.
That was the mnemonic I used to remember your birthday.
Ironically enough,
you cried when you told me
while I was on a strange, jovial high.
The conversation was speckled
with laughter and disappointment yet
I'll honestly tell you that conversation
was the best we've probably had in a while.
You asked me why I wasn't upset or angry.
I told you I probably
suffered from 'delayed reaction syndrome'
and I'll probably cry later
when everything hits me.
The first time I cried
was when I examined my body
and realized your love bite was no longer there.
I suppose that was when
it truly hit me I had lost you.
I cried in several intervals-
horrid, interrupted, breaks of unfulfilled cries.
It was at two in the morn',
then five when I had to pee,
ten when I thought of you again
and one in the afternoon
when I told myself to just let go.
As I sat and cried,
I thought of how pathetic I looked
and laughed to myself
as I imagined telling you this.
Then I stopped laughing.
I turned to the pianoforte for solace,
thinking perhaps the dancing keys
would soothe me.
I only managed four chords
before breaking down.
I told myself out loud to stop crying.
Eventually, I just let myself
wallow and cry
because I knew I needed to to heal.
I asked you if you were happy
and after the second ask,
you said you were.
You asked me in frustration
why I didn't hate you.
I'm still trying
to figure that out myself.
It amazes me on how
I harbour no negative feelings
towards you.
I hope it stays this way.
You asked 'Are you okay?'
and then you answered
'No, of course
you're not okay,
what a stupid question'
and then you said
'I'm so sorry' and
ended it with my name.
I replied 'It's alright'
and then you said
'No, it isn't'
and the cycle repeated itself.
You said I would have more time
to focus on my assignments now
and that I wouldn't have to look
at the awful stickers that
accompanied your messages.
Somehow, it didn't make me feel any better.
I told you to take care of her,
to be chivalric and make sure
she walked on the inside of the road
and to hold her hand for reassurance-
just like you used to do for me.
As I got out of the car,
I wished you a happy life.
But I genuinely mean it,
I do.
-Two days later; January 28.
10 Things
1.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
hard.
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
hard.
2.
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
3.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
4.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
5.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
6.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
7.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
8.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
9.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
10.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
hard.
”I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
hard.
— | Rachel Wiley |
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